we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
