Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
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