just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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