Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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