He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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