I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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