I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
