If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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