I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
