it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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