There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
