Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
