Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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