If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Send help, water and tortillas.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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