Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
