my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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