Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
