You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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