eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
