i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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