im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
