Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
