I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
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