How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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