Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
