she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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