Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
