Pregnant stripper...not hot.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
