I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
