I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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