When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
