Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
