just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
