you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
