Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
