i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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