Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
