I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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