Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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