I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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