i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
