i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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