I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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