I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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