You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
