if you like me you must not know who I am
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
