The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
