dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
