Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
