I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm passing your future prison.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
