If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
